Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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