i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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