i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
