Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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