Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
