Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
