guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
