Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
