so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You don't make any sense
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