Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
