I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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