Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
