My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
