I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
