I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
