Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
