Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
