i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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