Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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