I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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