I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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