I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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