im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
