Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
