i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
