im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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