I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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