Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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