I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
