woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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