can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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