News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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