That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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