I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
