nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
