well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
