Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
