at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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