I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
