Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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