dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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