so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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