I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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