So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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