I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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