I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
