I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
