I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
