It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
