Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
